Subway Food Fight!
by brionyjae
Summary: Title pretty much says it all. Complete and utter crack!fic. Includes Ron being crazy, Harry being... a true hero... Ginny being tough, and Draco being a sissy. Enjoy!


**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter, Subway, Pirates of the Caribbean, or Orlando Bloom... sadly :D

**A/N: **Okay, just warning everyone now - this a complete crack fic! It was written for my brother, as a birthday present, a few years back now - and I just found it in the deep corners of my hard-drive. So decided to post this, in the hope that it will make someone laugh :D But it is utterly crazy. Still here? Okay... read on :D

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_**Subway Food Fight!**_

"Um… Harry… remind me again why we're walking through the streets of muggle London?"

Harry sighed, but turned to look at his best friend, Ron, with a patient expression.

"We're trying to find the fountain with the blue angel statue, where Fred and George asked us to meet them, remember?"

"Yes, and they want to take us to their new premises in Hogsmeade. They've discovered a new transportation method using the fountain, which sounds incredible," Hermione chimed in eagerly. She began to skip along the sidewalk with enthusiasm. Harry and Ron exchanged amused looks before running to catch up with her.

"Watch it, you bloody hoons!" bellowed a random old man that Ron had accidentally bowled over.

"Sorry," he mumbled. Harry snorted with laughter, rolling his eyes with Ron. He turned around to look at Hermione, but jumped when she was standing right in front of him.

"Er… 'Mione?" Harry waved a confused hand in her eyes. She was staring at the nearest shop with an uncharacteristic dreamy look on her face. However, she chose not to answer him, so he followed her gaze. 'Mmm…' he thought. 'I can see why she stopped…'

"Harry? Hermione? Um…" Ron appeared in front of Harry, having finally silenced the old man and was now blocking his view. Harry's dreamy look was replaced by irritation.

"What?" he said sharply, and stood on his tiptoes, attempting to see over Ron's head. Due to Ron's towering height, he failed.

"Why are you both looking at a picture of that random heroic guy?"

"That's not just any random heroic guy, Ron," Hermione sighed happily. "That's Orlando Bloom from 'The Pirates of Caribbean'… he's so pretty…"

"Agreed," Harry smiled lazily and took a step sideways to continue staring. Ron gave an angry sniff and grabbed Harry and Hermione by the scruffs of their necks. He dragged them further down the street, despite their protests. Once he was sure they wouldn't run back to the handsome picture, Ron let them go.

"Does anyone actually know where the blue fountain is?" Harry asked, still a bit disgruntled.

"I think it's this way…" Ron trailed off. He sounded extremely unsure, and Harry rolled his eyes.

"Why don't we –"

However, Hermione never go to suggest anything, because right at that moment there was a gigantic rumbling noise that ripped through the peaceful air. It was enough to scare the pants off Dumbledore (which, Harry cringed, was a very frightening thought).

Harry froze and whipped his wand out of his back pocket, a curse ready on the tip of his tongue. Hermione and Ron stared at him.

"What was that?" Harry whispered. He strained his ears for any sound to give him a clue…

Ron's whole face, neck and ears flushed a furious red.

"That was my stomach," said Ron sheepishly.

Harry groaned. Hermione looked embarrassed and cleared her throat, scratching her neck.

"Ron, you are…" Harry groaned again. "Urgh, there's no word for you."

Sighing, Harry looked around. They were officially lost in muggle London. His eyes landed on a Subway restaurant (after skimming over the inferior McDonalds).

"Well, if you're hungry, we might as well go there," Harry jabbed a thumb at Subway. "It's not like we'll find anything else anyways."

With an immense grin on his face, Ron sprinted to the door of Subway and wrenched it open. He tripped over the step and had to scramble to his feet again. Harry and Hermione exchanged amused looks and enter Subway behind him.

"Uh, can I have a dozen twelve-inch meatball Subs for starters, with extra chicken, cheese and tomato sauce, and a couple of drinks… hmm… what else you got?"

The young lady at the counter turned as white as Hedwig. Her eyes rolled back, and she fainted on the floor onto of some random stale buns.

"We… we h-have… cookies… sir," stuttered another lady who worked there.

"Jolly good then!" roared Ron, thumping his fist on the counter with delight. "I'll have ten of them!"

As the mildly startled lady worker began to prepared Ron's small meal (mildly and small being understatements), Ron strode back to Harry and Hermione.

"So, after a spot of lunch, we can go back out and look for that damned blue fountain." Ron grinned, as though his announcement was one only he would have thought of.

"Yes, yes," Harry rolled his eyes.

"Why don't we –"

However, again, Hermione didn't get to offer her lovely advice, as there was a deafening, ear-splitting crash that smashed through the happy air. It was enough to scare the robes off McGonagall (which, Harry cringed, was almost a more frightening thought than a half naked Dumbledore). Predictably, Harry's wand flew out of his back pocket, ready to cast a rather unkind charm on the source.

"What was that?" Harry said softly.

"Look!" gasped Hermione dramatically.

Harry's eyes followed her pointed finger and he gasped too when he saw what – technically, _who_ – had made the noise.

Ginny Weasley and Draco Malfoy had fallen out of a random broom cupboard and were lying entangled on the floor.

"Stupid cupboard. They're never big enough," huffed Draco, stumbling to his feet. He held out a hand to Ginny, who took it and stood gracefully, like a ballerina.

Harry, Ron and Hermione stared at the pair, looking very unattractively like goldfishes. Harry took in their appearances. Draco's shirt was unbuttoned and untucked, and Ginny was still hurriedly putting her shirt _on_. Their faces were flushed and their hair mussed. To sum it up nicely, they looked like they'd been having a kissing fiesta.

"Have you?" Harry asked out loud, and then hit his forehead when he realized they couldn't read his mind. "I mean, have you been having a kissing fiesta?"

Draco and Ginny glanced at each other, and then identical love-sick grins came onto their faces.

"You could put it that way," Draco stated.

"You bloody hoon!" Ron exploded. His fingers were curled into threatening fists, and he was as red as the Gryffindor Quidditch robes, but the fact that his eyes were crossed and spit was flying everywhere made his seem simply comical. "You can't go out with my sister!"

"I already am," said Draco smugly. He pushed out his chest proudly.

Ron let out a loud squeak like a mouse and lundered over to the Subway counter.

"I'm going to need to borrow this," he snarled at the petrified worker, who was halfway through pouring meatballs into his 7th Sub. Ron reached out and grabbed three bottles of the different sauces and toppings.

"Bring it on!" he roared.

Three types of sauces went soaring through the air in an arc as Ron squeezed the bottles to death. Draco let out an extremely manly scream (manly being an overstatement) and dived behind Ginny.

"You pussy! Why are you hiding behind me?" screeched Ginny, and did a spectacular army roll across the floor to avoid the sauce. Draco caught a face-full of BBQ sauce and he began to shriek:

"My eyes! Not the eyes! Aaah, it stings!"

With a triumphant yell, Ron leaped behind the counter, squishing some random stale buns, and started to hurl cheese and tomato towards Ginny, improvising by using some tongs as a catapult.

"Yikes! You crazy humbug!" cried Ginny. She pulled out her wand and bewitched the cookies to fly at Ron like frisbees.

"Bloody hell! I'm being attacked by flying cookies! Harry, save me!"

Harry, being the brave hero that he is, bravely scooted under a table and cowered there. A second later, Pansy Parkinson joined him.

"Where in Merlin's name did you come from?" Harry exclaimed. His poor brain struggled to work out the puzzling events.

"I always come here for lunch in the holidays," shrugged Pansy carelessly.

"Oh," Harry stared blankly into space for a second, then shrugged also and peeped out at the fight above.

Ron was still dodging the bewitched cookies, arms flailing wildly in the air. By now the lady behind the counter was very green, and ducked down to join her unconscious worker on the floor.

Harry turned his gaze to Draco and Ginny, and laughed wickedly.

After her skilful charm on the cookies, Ginny had sat down on the ground, arms and legs crossed, and was now sulking. Her freckled nose pointed into the air and she looked around to see if anyone cared before uttering a loud "humph!"

On the other hand, Draco Malfoy was dripping with a variety of sauces. He wiped the last of the dreaded BBQ sauce out of his eyes and began a fierce march towards Ron. He flicked his wand at the drinks machine. A cup skidded under the Coke tap, filling up to the top. Draco levitated the cup over to Ron, promptly tipped it over and soaked Ron with the fizzy liquid.

Before Draco could get into the Fanta, Harry muttered a Trip Jinx and sent Draco falling spectacularly into Ron, and the cookies.

The food fight came to a sudden end, when Hermione strode out into the middle of the room.

"Stop this!" she commanded. Ron stopped whacking Draco with the tongs immediately; he knew how cranky Hermione could get in this sort of mood. Draco scowled but slowly put down his favourite BBQ sauce. Harry and Pansy looked at each other and deemed it safe enough to come out of hiding.

While Pansy tried to persuade Ginny to stop sulking, Harry wandered over to the others.

"Calm down guys," Hermione was saying in a soothing voice.

Seeing as Draco and Ron were dripping with sauce and coke respectively, neither of them looked particularly calm. Harry snorted with laughter, but was saved from Hermione's wrath when a large crack sounded from somewhere random.

"What was –" Harry began to ask, but wasn't allowed to finish, as Hermione stepped on his foot.

"Ouch!"

"Ssh!"

"Hi, me mateys!" called Fred Weasley.

"We thought we'd find you here!" said his twin, George Weasley.

"How'd you –"

"We apparted," said George proudly.

"Hey, that reminds me!" Ron yelled, a fist thrust courageously in the air. "We were looking for you guys!"

"You were?" Fred rolled his eyes sarcastically.

"Yes!"

"Well that's weird," smirked George.

"Aw, now I'm confused," moaned Ron.

"Ahem… um… excuse me," spoke up the lady from behind the counter. It seemed she had resurfaced.

"What?" Hermione turned to her kindly.

"Here's you bill… thank you for eating at Subway," she said timidly.

Hermione took the bill, her eyes popping at the amount.

"Nine hundred and ninety-nine pounds? We can't afford that!"

There was a stunned silence.

"Uh… hey, look at the time! It's past our bedtime! Nice seeing you chaps!"

And with that hasty excuse, Draco grabbed Ginny's and Pansy's arms and disapparated.

"Hm… well, we'll see you at the blue fountain!" cried Fred and George, and the pair disapparated also.

"Wait, where is the blue fountain?" yelled Harry, but it was too late. He sighed and thought, 'Here we go again!'

The trio glanced at each other, and ran out of the shop.

"First one to the fountain gets a round of firewhiskey, on me!" Harry said.

Ron took off into the sunset, trying not to bowl over random old guys. Failing though.

THE END.

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Ahem... fear for my sanity yet? :D  
-brionyjae xox


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